The Susan Burney Letters Project

Susan Burney's isolation and unhappiness at Belcotton, Co. Louth and her desire to return to London, October 1798 [SOURCE]

Tuesday, Oct 9th, 1798

The same day on which I had sent an answer to a most touchingly kind letter from our beloved Father, and by the return of the same messenger, I received my Mrs Locke's Frank with her and my dearest Fanny's letters -- These have been ever since uppermost in my thoughts, but not a moment till the present one have I found in which I cd venture to commit to paper one of the thousand feelings to which they have given rise -- Ah my dearest Fanny!. If distant from me you can ever wonder that I should not in defiance of possible consequences and of every obstacle the most ingenious tyranny can supply, fly to my incomparable and never more beloved friends, how wd that feeling be increased were it possible for you, unseen and unsuspected once to become a witness of ma triste vie! of all the variety of sorrows and mortifications which in endless succession chase each other -- of all the emotions of alarm, of Indignation, of disdain -- of the distaste - of that determined Philosophy of acquiescence you say you regret to have broken in upon - but I fear I am destined to endless conflicts - conflicts I wished to conceal from you, because I thought the knowledge of them wd but augment your disappointment; not to wish myself restored to you, to wish it most ardently, wd by impossible to me -- that wish alone is sufficient to delude me into listening to false hopes wch serve only to embitter my regret in their failure. I strive to submit patiently; -- not from determined philosophy, but because what I endure appears to me inevitable - or avoidable only by a mode of action wch my best friends could not wish me to pursue, and which wd in the end render me more hopelessly wretched than now -- but in ceasing to combat I don't cease to suffer, and tho' I may assume an appearance of calmness my mind is not the less perturbed. - the destination of my poor Norbury has operated in checking my earnestness to return to England from time to time, and constantly and powerfully whilst the country seemed in danger fm the rebellion, and fr Invasion - but as apprehensions of the kind have subsided, my heart has again yearned to be restored to my Father, my Sisters, my beloved Friends, and every little ray of hope has revived me, and every change caused me new agitation - When despairing of success I have sought to resign myself - as a duty - and to strengthen my mind by such considerations as reason cd suggest to me; -- I have endeavoured to forget myself, and to find consolation in thinkg that for many others it might be best I shd be condemned to remaining here - I wd be endless, by letter at least to develop fully all that has been passing in my mind - but one support of my constancy has failed - and my eyes, fill, and my heart overflows with tenderness when it recurs to me - and it is perpetually recurring that our Father wishes for me - for Himself wishes it - for his own comfort and consolation - [not] simply from compassionate and tender feelings for me!.. Ah my dearest Fannythis exceeds all I had an idea of-- it drives from my mind every wish but that of being at this feet - in his arms - I feel as if I cd willingly sacrifice one of my own to be allowed to be with him - those words your repeat that he sighs for an answer from Ireland that may comfortably form his new establishment, melt me penetrate me - are never out of my mind - fill it at once with joy and sorrow, tho' both of the softest kind - I had already answered his dear letter - tenderly and gratefully, -- but without conceiving it wd have cost this beloved Parent - but if I had -- my task wd have been yet more painful and my trial greater - before you have heard wth what shocking - what inconceivable levity the first application was answered - an application wch all circumstances considered must have touched any - save the one person to whom it was addressed - how much such a return hurt and afflicted me it is needless to say - but cd I have conceived it wd have cost my Father a personal disappointment I shd have felt inconsolable

[1] [link to CB chronology]

[2] William Locke (1732-1810) and Frederica Augusta Locke, née Schaub (1750-1832) of Norbury Park, Surrey, former neighbours and friends of SBP and MP.  Frederica Locke became FB's closest friend.  SBP's and MP's son Norbury was born at Norbury Park when SBP went into premature labour while visiting the Lockes.

[3] [link to FB chronology]

[4] [link to FB chronology]

[5] Charles Norbury Phillips, 1785-1814, eldest son of SBP and MP. Named after Norbury Park, the estate of the Locke family, where he was born.

[6] The Irish Rebellion in the summer of 1798 was sparked off by the government's brutal actions to suppress sedition and conspiracy, particularly in April-May 1798; it involved between 30,000 and 50,000 insurgents and 76,000 government troops. The two main centres of the rebellion were in Co Antrim in eastern Ulster and Co Wexford in south Leinster. The rebellion was put down at a cost of around 30,000 lives (OCBH). There are numerous references to the rebellion in SBP's letter-journals of this time.

[7] The French landed at Killala, Co Mayo, in August 1798, but were defeated at Ballinamuck, Co Longford, within a week of arriving (OBCH0). There are numerous references to the threat of invasion in SBP's letter-journals of this time.

[8] [link to CB chronology]

[9] [link to FB chronology] {links to other siblings to follow}

[10] [link to CB chronology]

[11] [link to FB chronology]

[12] Presumably MP. [link to MP chronology]

[13] [link to CB chronology]