'1990' by Cailean McBride
This poem came 2nd place in our competition.
Note: These poems are personal, raw and honest. Some people may find them triggering although they are not intended so.
1990
The pale face in that unmagic mirror is not mine.
It’s too flat, bug eyes, traitor mouth, in need of a clean.
A shamed supplication, and a most righteous crime.
It takes work to maintain this love. To expel the grime,
Sustain a taut frame, one that’s light, bright and lean.
The pale face in that unmagic mirror is not mine.
Sculpted and grooved, pure of angle, form and line.
Fingers slide inside. Naturally strong and serene,
A shamed supplication, and a most righteous crime.
Glottal convulsions, communing to expel the slime
That tyrannises and encumbers a once-agile machine.
The pale face in that unmagic mirror is not mine.
But the shame is yours alone as you seek to redefine
My form, my health. Stand in judgement as I kneel between
A shamed supplication, and a most righteous crime.
I feel your pity (crazed, sick man(a)) but you can’t confine
This body, or this mind, and you have no claim to demean.
The pale face in that unmagic mirror that is not mine.
A shamed supplication, and a most righteous crime.
Comments
Author: I chose the villanelle form because of the structural challenge it represented and also because its rigid and relatively unforgiving form enabled me to reflect the feelings of confinement and frustration that come with an eating disorder. What can be perceived as the limited choices in poetic construction were hopefully able to reflect the feelings of restriction that often lead to desperate and self-destructive health choices in the outside world. I also wanted to use the form to illustrate the often simultaneous (and conflicting) emotions of self-disgust at activities such as purging with the sense of sometimes ecstatic control and release that can accompany it.
Judges
- this poem communicates intense emotion around restricting and purging, including the anger of someone feeling shamed and demeaned by others wanting to change them.
- what beautiful words used to demonstrate the trauma of distorted body image and food
- beautifully written poem
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