True Crime on Campus
A ninja turtle, a pigeon and a tarantula – no, not the start of a bad joke, but just some of the characters whose exploits feature in True Crime on Campus, a hilarious new book detailing the unbelievable tales hidden in the University's security reports. Students, staff and visitors often do the strangest things – and since 2010, Registrar Dr Paul Greatrix has been delving into campus crime reports to source the most bizarre, inexplicable and just plain weird occurrences that have taken place over the years. Start the new year with a smile as we pick our 10 favourite entries from this unmissable campus-focused criminal incident publication...
0343 A student contacted the Security Council room for advice on how to treat a black eye. Security attended. The student stated that they had been struck in the eye by a flying chicken nugget while in McDonalds in the city. Security checked the eye and gave advice.
0755, 1323 A male contacted the Security Control room stating he had discovered the meaning of life and urgently needed to speak to a Professor in Physics. After discussing the matter at length with Security, the person's details have been passed onto the police to carry out a welfare check.
0048 Report of a person dressed in green, possibly a Ninja Turtle, in Portland Building attempting to gain entry to the Portland Cafe. Security attended. The cafe doors had been forced open but at present it is not clear if anything has been stolen. Security are to follow up.
1015 Report of a male talking to a wall at the rear of the Biology Building. Security attended and spoke to the male. The male identified himself as a member of staff – he stated that he was working through a mathematical problem and would be returning to his office after his lunch.
0845 Request for Security to attend an office in Trent Building. A member of staff had a pigeon in his office, which would not leave. Security attended and the pigeon was escorted from the building.
1510 A member of the public contacted Security to report that there was a Voodoo doll on a headless statue adjacent to the Built Environment Building. The member of the public was concerned that satanic practices may affect students. The person was given reassurance that officers attended the statue and removed a doll with a pin through its head.
1225 Report of a person with a suspected broken ankle on the Downs. Security attended. While dealing with the injured person, another person fell injuring their ankle. Both students were taken to hospital by ambulance. Both students were injured while playing Quidditch.
0210 Report of a tarantula spider in a room in Halls. Security attended and were told the spider had gone under the bed. After a careful search by Security officers, a small house spider was captured and removed from campus. The occupant of the room confirmed that the spider was the one they had seen.
1235 Report of a person trapped in the lift in Tower Building. Security attended. The person trapped was the lift engineer who had attended to repair the lift. A second engineer was able to rectify the fault.
2010 Report of a large number of students running around the Trent Building. Security officers attended. The students explained that they were playing hide and seek. The Hide and Seek Society President was found by officers and spoken to. Officers conducted a search of the building and located all the other hiding students. It is understood that officers declined their turn to go and hide.
True Crime on Campus is available to buy now for £5 – and with half of the profits being given to our Children's Brain Tumour Research Centre, your laughs will support us to create a brighter future for children with brain tumours.